To be or not to be? That is the question ?

Glory be to God .......

2011-07-27T03:18:00.000-07:00

Here I am again, I seem to be blogging not so often anymore, I am trying too, and really I am. It’s just that I am not good with writhing. I don’t always know how to relate my feelings into words.
I have been struggling with Religion for a while now. I did not grow up in a house were it was the norm, don’t get me wrong we did go to church a lot, but my mom dropped us off at Sunday School and picked us up afterwards most of the time, other times she also went to church. My dad on the other hand does not do church at all, Hence my struggles. I never knew how to believe or what to believe in really. I was married before and it was also not present in my marriage, I tried but my ex was just not interested. Needless to say our marriage ended in divorce, not a nice thing even though it was way better for the both of us. Then I met fell in love and married the greatest man alive. He taught me about God and Religion and for that I will be eternally grateful. I still don’t understand a lot and I don’t know my Bible very well yet, but I am learning something new each day. God has been so good to us and for that I praise His name every day all day long.
I pray that this journey with God will only grow and grow into something even more beautiful than what it is currently. He is my Strength and my Savior, and I will continue to learn.
As for the baby making front, we are still so far seeing our FS on 28 September, so in two months time, I am nervous and also excited!! Will keep you posted

Blue mondays !!

2011-07-18T02:24:00.000-07:00

As good as life is at the moment, it still has its downs !! I cannot handle my husbands working hours, it is killing me, i miss him dammit !! Why can he not work normal hours !! I cry every day he works ! Its just not nice !!

I am so alone sometimes and is scares me !! At least i am catching up on my reading, wich is good i suppose.

Other than that we are good, have an appointment with our FS on 29 September, i am nervous, excited, scared all in one emotion. But i know it needs to be done and i will be beter off knowing what is up, and what our plans will be moving forward.

Will keep you posted !

Wow, wow wow

2011-05-27T01:55:00.000-07:00

I have so much to say !!! We have done a 360° turn in our life ! All for the best i might add ! We have moved to Nelspruit, both my husband and i have started new job, with great salaries !! Enabling us to go for treatment !! YAY and i have convinced my DH to go , so big announcment !! We have our first appointment on 29 September aned i am so so so nervous and excited all at once !! God has been so good to us and blessed us in so many ways !! And I praise Him for that daily !!

We have fallen in love with Nelspruit and can honestly say that i dont ever want to live anywere else ever again !! The weather is great, the people are awesome, there is so much to do in a 200Km radius !! Its fantastic !!

I miss my friends so much and we are very far from most of our family now, but we are ok actually !! I have started going back on the forum that i belong to about infertility after an absense of about 4 months !!

Actually can i tell you a secret !! Since turning 30 it has been starting to freak me out that we have been trying for 3 years and nada, hence the reason i told my Dh THAT IS IT I AM MAKING THE APPIONTMENT !! And he agreed without so much as an argument !!! How cool is that !!

I am loving my new job, the pay is wonderfull, the hours are decent and the people are nice !! I have no work stress at all, something i never ever ever thought would happen !!

This is it from me for now !! I hope to be updating again very very soon !!

I would like to thank http://keepingmyeyesonjesus.wordpress.com/ for nominating me for Versatile Blogger Awards, its my first one and i am chuffed heheheeh !!

So what have i got to say ??

2011-03-29T06:23:00.003-07:00

Nothing much really !! Life has just been hectic, with us moving and hubby starting to work, we have just been spread pretty thin. So much so that i am really really tired, all the bloody time !!

It will get better i know it will, wont make it easier to handle though !!

I am just glad he found a job, takes a lot of pressure of me. I am in the market, but i have been for a while because i am not happy. I went for an interview at an awesome company and they pay exceptionally well, i am praying so hard that i do get it, it is something i love doing !! Only catch, we will have to relocate, but we will cross that bridge is we get there !

On the baby front, also nothing new really, still praying for that miracle !! When we settle now that Dh has a job we will join a Medical Aid and will go for test and we decided that i will be going for a lap as i am 99.9% certain that i have endo. So whatch this space !!

Ah well that is all i have .........

So what have i got to say ??

2011-03-29T06:23:00.001-07:00

At last we have moved !!

2011-02-08T23:43:00.000-08:00

After 4 months in limbo land, i can proudly say that we have moved into our own house !! It was damn difficult let me tell you, DH and i did all the moving on our own, my body was so tired, but at least i know i am capable of so much, now i can start excercising too.

There is so much work to do on the house, its actually terrible. I cannot believe that poeple can ruin a house that is not theirs so much, luckily we got rid of them. Its gonna take a long time and lots and lots of finances to get the house to be exactly as we want it, but it is ok, we can do it, i am positive of that. It might not be immediately as i had hoped, but we will get there, after all, Rome wasnt built in a day. The house is old, and i love it, it still has wooden floors and it has huge rooms, it is awesome.

Other than that we are still TTC, well the normal way anyway, lol, sorry i think its so funny. But i am positive it will happen, maybe not today and maybe not tomorrow, but one of these days. We have all left it up to FAITH.

Anyhoo this is me over and out, until another time i feel i need to chat it up !!

Blaaaaaah ........

2011-02-01T02:03:00.000-08:00

Thas it ! Nothing else !!!

At long last .......... an update !

2010-10-19T04:28:00.000-07:00

Sjo, here i am again, after quite a bit of an break. I have been a bit despondentand not up to sitting down and writing on my blogg.

Not much has been going on really, still not started on any treatment only next year, and i am totally ok with that.

We are however moving into our own house end of December maybe even earlier and i cannot wait, its going to be awesome. We will be able to do our own thing at our own time, bliss ahhhhhhhhhhh !! Cant wait to start this new chapter with my amazing hubby !!

I have had this thing bothering me for a while now, i am not very good at writing stuff, neither am i very good at expressing my feelings and thoughts. I belong to a stunning forum and is sometimes struggle to give comments and not knowing what to say. It makes me feel crap, like i never have anything worthwhile to say. Why could i not have been one of those people that seem to know what to say exactly at what time and it never seems weird. I sometimes dont ever comment because i dont know what to say, so bad of me .....

I am looking for a new job still, i am really not enjoying the one i am doing, i am not busy enough, i am unfortonately or fortunately one of the people that loves to be very very busy, i love the adrenaline of working under pressure. It is so wrong but i love it anyway. I have 2 potential interviews in the pipeline with very big companies, so here is to hoping for the best.

My one BF went for IUI and had a negative, my heart is so sore for her, she is very very heartbroken, but i am sure she will be ok, she is going for a lap and hsg, and then will know if there is anything else wrong, which i am sure there is not, it will happen i am positive about it. My other very very good friend is going through a extremely bad time in her marraige and i will continue praying for her, and to be there for her in any way possible, she is a very strong, stunning, amazing woman !!

Thats all from me folks, until next time !!

Let me tell you a sad sad story ......

2010-08-26T01:34:00.000-07:00

One day, not so long ago, my DH found out who his real father is. The whole story goes like this.
His mother was married, she had a son, DH’s brother, when the brother was about 6, they separated. She moved out and in that time she had a “fling” with a younger guy, that was a family friend. DH’s brother was very unhappy, and she decided to try again with his father. A little while after she ended the “fling” and moved back, she found out she was pregnant. Her then husband said that he will raise the baby as his own ( he knew the father, but did not know that it was him, he still does not know who my DH’s real father is), she told the father of the baby that this is what was suggested and he agreed, knowing full well, that this was his baby, he had met someone by then, and was getting engaged.
So my DH grew up thinking his father was his father, but by 16 one of the family members let something slip and he heard it. He was angry for a long time, his aunt told him that his father is this other guy, which I might add was friends with my MIL in the same time but nothing more, my MIL never corrected my Dh and he thought well ok, they got along very well and still do, but I saw something amiss, I then asked my DH how sure he was that this was his father and he said well he supposes so, because that is what he was told. So I said, hun, I don’t think he is your father, there is just nothing of him in you, and I don’t see anything of your mom in you. So that got him to thinking, maybe I am right, and he then confronted his mother , and she admitted it, she then said his father was this Jan van Zyl guy, who lived in the same town. Now my husband is very resourceful and tried to find this guy, but no matter where he looked or what he did he could not find anybody at all like that, or no reference of him. He confronted his mother again, and at long last he got the truth out of her, the guys was a family friend and the whole nine yard. Now don’t for one second think that my MIL is terrible, she was trying to save my Dh pain, she is the sweetest most wonderful person and MIL ever. My DH loves her to bits, they where alone for 8 years, just the 2 of them, and even if there was no money, he never wanted for anything.
This is such a long post sorry, but to cut a long story short, we set out to find his dad and we did, and both of us were amazed at the resemblance, not so much physical as personality wise, my DH also has a brother, he is just like my DH and a beautiful sister. When we went there my DH did not say anything just that he was my MIL son and that we where in the area and he remembered him as the guy with the Red Fritos Bakkie. We had a nice visit with them and left. On the way home my DH and I both cried, he was sad an I was angry, I was angry because he was robbed of the dad he never had, and the farm life that he loves and that he now at long last has. He phoned his mom and said that she has to phone him and that she needs to tell him that he now knows that he is his dad. She did and he send my Dh an sms that said, I have been blessed to have also been adopted, and had wonderful adopted parents, I wish you the same and that you have a happy life. I mean WTF !! Oh and he said he never knew kobie existed, which is not true. He even once back then said that my DH looked exactly like him when he was that age, I think he was about 4 when he saw him.
After this my DH was very very unhappy, he wanted to know his brother and sister, he never had a choice, he was not adopted, they made a horrible mistake, and now he has to wonder. So one day on facebook he looked for his brother and decided to send him a message and say that he wants to meet them and get to know the, nothing more, he does not want anything from them. The next thing we know here comes an attorney’s letter saying that we have to leave my Dh’s dad and his whole family alone or they will take further steps. My Dh was devastated, he could not believe it, all he wanted was to learn where he came from and to know his brother and sister.

Now my DH and I have issues to have a baby, he is so sad, he feels that he is not good enough to have a baby and be a dad, because his own dad does not even want to know him. My heart is breaking for him, and I can do nothing to ease his pain, I hope that one day soon he will realize that maybe what happened was for the best and that the pain will get bearable. My Dad has been an inspiration for him and they have grown very close, he calls him his Cowboy Dad, because my dad does not stand back for anything!
In closing, I would just like to say, Brats and Alchemist, my thoughts and prayers are with you both !!!
xoxo

Rather now than never ...........

2010-08-24T05:02:00.000-07:00

Wow, it feels like i havent updated in ages. Its been so hectic at work, i am absolutely exhausted when i get home at night, pheeew !

Nothing much is news on my side, i have descovered that i dont particularly like the job that i am in, and is looking for something else, its just not working for me, and that just adds additional stress that i dont need. And it makes me rather misrable.

DH and i are starting up some new ventures on the farm, ist gonna be alot of work, but worth it in the end.

We have been asked to be God Parents again, to our friends little girl, we now have 5 god children each, and they are all girls ! I cant wait i loooove little girls !! You can dress them up so pretty !! With little ribbons in their hair etc hehehe !!

Oh and one of my awesome friends is going for IUI 2morrow, i am so praying that this is it for her !!! U GO GIRL !! YOU CAN DO IT !!

We made new friends in this new town, they are great and we all get along so well, it was very lonely down here, when all of your friends are still in your old town. We see them quite often, but its not the same.

Anyhoooo that is it for now !!

Stuff it .........

2010-08-15T23:17:00.000-07:00

Yes that is how i feel ,stuff all of it, and that is putting it mildly. This month has just been terrible for us, it feels like we are never going to get anywhere, i am so sick of it. Will we never go for treatment, will we never get the farming totally up and running? At this stage i feel, screw it all, its not even worth it.

Tomorrow, is a new day, i will feel beter then, but today, i feel like sh&t !!!

On the good side, my sis had her operation and all went well, she was also worried about her youngest arm, but all is fine. My dad is getting a new wheelchair, so there was some positive things.

Anyhoo, let me go before i even get more negative !!!

Crazy husband syndrome !!!

2010-07-21T23:54:00.000-07:00

Yes, he is a crazy freak, he now decided last night, he needs to get up at 5 in the morning, because he felt better when he used to get up at that time. Ooooooooh i love him, but at this moment, i am not liking him that much. I only get up normaly at 6, is that not early enoug?????????????????????????????????????? Unfortunately for me i am one of those people, if i am awake i am awake, i really really struggle to fall asleep again, so guess who was awake with the hubby at 5, me, me, me, pick me !!!

So we will see how we feel by the end of this day, i also decided that i need to do something about my weight, so i started walking, WOW, my legs are so sore, i did not manage to go last night, as it was freeeeeeeing when i got home, all cloudy and everything, and because i know, i easily get sick, i decided not to chance it, but tonight it is back to the walking shoes. I am motivated, thanks to my very good friend Adel, she has lost a smashing 14kg, and she is looking totally amazing.

I need to do this, i have picked up so much weight since i stopped smoking, but i am going to do my bestest. It has been a year and a half, and i feel that i want to eat all day every day, i was never like that when i smoked. AM I EVER GOING TO ADJUST !! Anyhooooooo enought for now, let me get back to work, so i can earn a living so i can buy some very healty food !! LOL

To be in an awesome space !!

2010-07-19T09:29:00.000-07:00

Well well, i never though this would be a blog that i will be blogging!! My Dh and i had a long long long chat, and we have come to a joint decision or was it a light bulb moment?

We are happy, truly and wonderfully happy, just as we are !! We love spending time together, just the 2 of us, being able to get home, have my DH tell me, lets go somewhere for the weekend, and packing up right there and leaving! Without worries, without thinking twice. Yes, yes i know, does that not just sound so selfish?? And yes, maybe it is, maybe its not. This is how we feel at the moment. If we dont have a baby, right now, right at this moment, then it is OK, we are actually OK with that. We are both still relatively young, 29, we have only been married 1 year and 10 months, although we have been actively trying for 2 years.

I have just started a new job, my DH is building up his knowledge of farming and our farm. We are in a place where all is good, unbelievably good !!

This does not mean for one second that we dont want a baby, not at all. We do with every fiber of our beings, but we are hoping it happens naturaly while we decide when it is the right time for us to start with any kind of treatment or tests.

Anyhoooo, i am busy planning a weekend away for our 2 year anniversary in September, i cannot wait !!! I am as excited as a 6 year old on Xmas morning !! We are also going away the first weekend of September to a lodge near Brits, we are about 50 people, and we are really exited. Some of the people are reall good friends and some of the others are their good friends, so we will meet a lot of new people.

That is all i have to say today except for, Chopper and Dh, many many congratulations on the birth of your beautifull little girl !!!

PS: This photo, this was the happiest day of my life !1

Farm life .........

2010-07-14T09:35:00.000-07:00

And we have our own little fertility centre on the farm, we have 5 sets of twin lambs at least, and a set of tripplets. We have 3 little calves !!! We also have a little orphan lamb, but i havent got pics of her yet

Bleeggghhhh !!!

2010-07-05T01:08:00.000-07:00

I have such a gagga cold, i dont like feeling like this, i have been dosing myself the whole weekend. At least today i am feeling a lot better, i just hope it stays that way.

On the better side, i had one of my very best girlfriends over for the weekend, and even though i was sick , i so enjoyed having her there, i missed her so much.

She is doing so much better since the stabbing, emotionally and physically. I think the visit on the farm also did her a world of good.

I am so confused at work at the moment, it is so far out of my field and i sometimes feel that maybe i wont be able to do it. I have to go on my own by the end of the week and i feel i know nothing yet. But my DH, the sweetheart that is he is, says that i can do it because i always love a challenge, so we will just have to wait and see.

So let me get back to the grindstone !!

Worst blogger ever !!!!

2010-07-01T04:02:00.000-07:00

Yes yes, that is what i am, i have not been bloggin very often !!

I have just been so lazy !! But that is about to end ! I have started a new job and now i will try and really update more often.

Yes it is true, i started a new job on Thursday of last week. It has been hecticly busy, i have been learning so many new things and have gone home every night with headache.

I miss the farm, but i like beeing busy. The thing i miss the most is my hubby, he was always around and popped in for coffee every now and then. But i must say we have more to talk about now, because i actually see people, i love the farm dont get me wrong but,there is not really anything for me to do yet, you are so isolated, i never went anywhere, i only saw people once a week, my hubby was working, i was frustrated, and it was a strain on our relationship. This was why i decided, i had beter start working agian, before i go totally bonkers. And like i say i miss him, but i appreciate him more now that i actually am working.

The job is going to have a lot of responsibility, but that is ok, because i know, that with God on my side, i can do anything. And the bonus is that i now have an additional income and we may even start actively going for test etc, to have our little babatjie, now that we both are settled.

I tried to post some pics but i still dont seem to know how to get it right, but i will figure it out soon.

Hopefully i will blog again soon. (i hope)

I am back .....

2010-05-16T03:08:00.000-07:00

Wow, what a busy last 2 and a half months !! We have settled in now on the farm, and even have internet, whooo hooooo !!

But i can hontestly say , wow wow wow, we love the farm, it is so quite and tranquil. I have planted my veggie garden, i have onions, spinach and beetroot. We have a new dog called "Fries", he is 3 months old now and i love him to bits. I have 1 calve that i am feeding twice every day! He is called "bulletjie". We also have a pig, and 2 horses, 1 mare and 1 foal called Beauty and Turbo

My Hubby enjoys his work and i love just going along for the ride, seeing all the different things, its amazing, we are going to start harvesting soon, i cant wait.

As for TTC, well i am really ok, most of the time, it is just every now and then, it gets to me, but then i think, its not so long anymore, then we can start with tests and treatments, and there is no harm in praying for a natural miracle while we are waiting !!!

I still have not decided wether i am going to work or not, but i suppose time will tell, there is not so much yet to keep me busy so at times i am a bit bored !! But i am baking and making preservatives, i must say i have learned so much from my mom.

Well that is all i have for today, i will try and post more often now that we are connected.

I am posting some photos, if i can get it right !!! LOL

Bittersweet !!

2010-02-25T01:51:00.000-08:00

This is such a bittersweet day for me. It has been a long time coming and even though i have been looking forward to this for 4 looooooooooooooooooong and excrutiating months, it also comes with its set of sadness.

I am so glad that I will at long last be able to join my Hubby on the farm, i have missed him something terrible and now it is over. Thank goodness!!!!

But on the flip side, I have made some good friends at work and some on the forum that i belong too, and those friends i will miss dearly !!! They have meant a lot to me and it is sad to say goodbye, even though i know it is not forever. Hopefully i will be connected again soon.

Yesterday i cried so much, I said goodbye to my BFF, i will miss her terribly, even though i know i will see her again, it does not make it any less sad for me.

On the positive side, i am feeling great about this new path that we have chosen for ourselves. I can honestly say that i cannot wait to start our Veggie garden. I have even decided that i will try to make my own cheese, yogurt, cream and butter. And you know what !!! I can do it too !! We have decided to not do any treatments or tests yet until we are settled and ready, and I AM TOTALY OK WITH THAT, yes i am !! I think that having all these things to do and look forward too will kinda keep my mind of it (not really, but it will not be as bad). And i will keep praying for that miracle BFP !!!

Anyhows, this is me signing of until we meet again !!!

The big wait

2010-02-16T04:40:00.000-08:00

I officialy have about 6 days of work left, then i am done for good, or until i find another. FANNY FREAKING TASTIC !!! I thought this day would never ever ever come. Ohhh i'm moving to the farm , im moving to the farm, moving to the farm, lalalalalalaalala !!!

We are still busy with a lot of the "home makeover', but things are moving along fantastically. .We have put in the new bathroom cabinet, and the new kitchen cabinets,now i need to look for storage boxes for the odds and ends. The only thing that needs to be done urgently is the concrete slab in the garage for the washing machine and tumble dryer. Then the house is very much liveable.

Today the time is draging along and it feels like it will never end.

Luckily me and one of my girlfriends is having a kuier and a glass or two or maybe even three of wine tonight, sooooooo looking forward to it !! Yum

This love hate relationship isn't working for me ........

2010-02-10T06:03:00.000-08:00

Two posts in one day, boy, maybe i am getting the hang of it sooner than i thought.

Ok so as i said, we are moving to the farm at the end of the month and i cannot wait.

I have to sisters and a brother, i hardly ever see my brother as he is in Oz, but my 2 sister is another story. One of them works for me so i see her every day. And man is she nosy about everything i say or do.

I feel like this. I love them both 2 death but i cannot stand beeing around them all the time and therefore cannot wait to move to the farm to not have to see them, only when i choose to.

Let me give you some back ground, both my sisters at a stage lived with me, for on and off 2 years I am now married to my wonderfull husband and is really really happy for the very first time in my life. I want to start MY life now with MY husband and OUR kids (hopefully). My one sister now took over my car payments because she cannot get a car on her own. My other sisters phone account etc is on my name. And when I as about it or worry when the car breaks etc, i get attitude from them that it is not my problem. I am only interesed/worried because these things are on my name and i would like to know how it affects me. Is that beeing so unreasonable ???

Maybe it is my own fault because I cannot say no, for some reason, i always help and they always come to me. I am so over this !!!!!!!!!!!! I cannot do it anymore, i am done helping because I am the one that gets bitten in the @ss every time. I love them dearly, but for once in my life i want to think about us, concentrating on us having a baby, I will probably still help them because that is who i am, even though my DH gets agry with me, he feels I let the people closest to me walk over me in that sence. Maybe i do, ok ok, i totally do.

I just feel that i need to stay positive, or i might go crazy all together. And none of this is helping at all.

Tomorrow is another day !!!

The intro ................

2010-02-10T00:33:00.000-08:00

This will be the first of many many many post to come. I am not sure where to start or what to say, but here we go !!!

We are both 29 have been TTC for 2 years, we dont have all the answers yet, and still need to go for a heap of tests. We do know that for now we have MFI.

We have such a long way still to go, in this journey called Infertility. I am happy, sad, upset, confused, all emotions rolled into one.

We are not doing any treatment for the moment, as life has trown us a few curveballs, and we need to sort them out and get into a good space before we can even consider going any further.

I am finishing my job at the end of Feb and we are officialy moving to the farm.

I am so looking forward to that and cannot wait, this is the new beginning of a hopefully very happy life